I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
