Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
