she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
