The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
