No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
