i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
