He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
