i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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