I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm always down for nudity.
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