i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
