I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
