if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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