I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
