If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
last night I used snow as a chaser
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
