she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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