just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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