DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
