Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
