i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
