Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
