I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
