it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
