My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Is Oprah even human
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
