sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
