Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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