I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
