I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
