come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
