When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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