like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
