Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
whose ass print is on the piano?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
