Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
