I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
