Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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