$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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