I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
