so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
