Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
