Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
