im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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