while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
