I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
