what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
