We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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