Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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