apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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