I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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