Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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