Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize