no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
