Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
