So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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