i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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