My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I DEMAND FORESKIN
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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