i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
