recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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