chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
