you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
