After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize