I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
