if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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