Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
