First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
