you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
