I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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